Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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