So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
