She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
