So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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