allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
