you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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