Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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