Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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