you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
