i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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