im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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