just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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