HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
