What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
