My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
