It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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