I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
