woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
