I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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