Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
