i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
