i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am midnight drunk by noon
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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