it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
