dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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