I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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