god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
