So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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