i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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