We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
