wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
