I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
