Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
