ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
