she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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