I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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