I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Randomize
