Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
