May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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