i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
