Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Randomize
