last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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