His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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