If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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