DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
