Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
