i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
