im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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