So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
