Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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