my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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