I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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